I’m sure you figured out by now that Ahab and I are no more. The break broke
me us, but the silver lining is in the lessons learned along the way.
As you well know, I am a talker. I have a lot to say a lot of the time, and I’m not shy about it. I haven’t had this trait tested via a fight with someone I’m dating in a very long time, and I wasn’t sure if I’d still be the alternately sullen/ragey girl I hated so much in my high school relationship (the girl who would say nothing’s wrong when I wanted my boyfriend to clairvoyantly know what my problem was … she needed a slap in the face). The good news is I’m not. The bad news? Not everyone can handle who I am now. I discovered I have the ability to (mostly) calmly express my needs (with the occasional snarky comment: I am not a robot), to attempt discussion, and to accept the other person’s requests even when I don’t agree with them or they run counter to my own. That being said, I need a bit of compromise eventually. I don’t mean meeting me halfway every time, but if I feel like I am giving and giving without any consideration, I will hit my limit. My tolerance level may be higher than most, but once it’s reached, all bets are off.
When that happened, I took to my blog, and was told it didn’t ‘help’ the situation. Honestly, that’s just fine because that was never my intention. I don’t write to help anyone but me. This is my safe space, my outlet, and I had been holding back for months because I knew the men in my life would read it. I was so done with censoring myself. Now, as I’ve been informed, I ‘have my freedom.’ That’s my blog in a nutshell: land of the free and home of the insane.
Now that I’m out there again, I’m faced with the question (again) of what to do about this pesky thing? Do I tell the next guy about it in the interest of honesty? Do I never mention it and if he finds it, so be it? Or do I actively hide it, to keep it my own space (sources say no to that one)? If I do tell, when is the right time? This blog is basically my version of a STD: if we date, there’s a risk you’re going to show up on it. Does that require some sort of informed consent, or do I just need to adopt a ‘love me, love my blog’ attitude?