Dating · Life

Tell me true

Someone recently shared my blog with the caption that I ‘speak the truth.’ While it is very touching that she would say such kind words, it got me thinking. Do I really speak the truth, my truth? Sometimes, sure. But it’s rarely the whole story. I censor and edit because I know exactly who is going to read it, and like it or not I care what people think of me. This was difficult to write, and because of that, I know publishing it is the right thing for me.
So here’s some truth, and it’s probably going to get pretty uncomfortable for all of us. I’ve been indulging in some not-so-lovely behaviour for a while, and I would like to not. Maybe a public mea culpa will allow me to stop.
I made mention of the fact that someone I used to date is now making adult films with the person he left me for (if you’re reading, I know you don’t like me writing about this, but this is more about my issues than your extracurriculars, believe me). Now, for some, this fact might be worthy of some pearl-clutching. In my odd life, however, I’ve found myself escorting adult film stars to dinners and sex clubs for work promotions, I’ve been a pretty vocal supporter of the movement to decriminalize prostitution, and I generally believe in the ‘do what you want with your parts’ way of living. I’ve discovered, though, that all my sex-positive and liberal ways go out the door when it hits this close to home.
Truth be told, the porn is really just the newest development, giving me something fresh to focus on. As someone who works in the industry, she has a very public social media presence — and this is where the real trouble comes. I discovered said presence and all of its graphic, intimate details of their sex life about two hours after things ended (messily, but I have come to accept how big a role my willful ignorance played in this scenario). It was very good (if painful) closure at the time, or so I thought. Here’s what I’ve been leading up to for the past 300 words: I still look at her updates, every damn day.
Some of you might be thinking you would do the same, curiosity being a natural human response. We all know what curiosity did to the cat, and while it may not be killing me, it isn’t doing good things. I read the tweets, the Facebook posts, the blogs, and yes, I watch the videos (because apparently I am masochistic) … and I become unbelievably unkind. Unkind might be too nice a word. I become downright awful. I think mean thoughts, I say mean things (with my friends, because they support me), and I don’t like this gross side it brings out. In another life, I would probably end up at some of the events she frequents/runs (and in a ‘this city is too small’ coincidence, it could still happen since there is some social overlap with her and some people in my life). Instead, I’m all judgey and spiteful and projecting all of this jealousy/resentment/self-doubt onto a person I’ve never met and who has never done a single thing to harm me.
Intellectually, I know she and her profession and her social media musings have nothing to do with me. It literally is none of my damn business. It makes me toxic, yet I keep returning. Some well-meaning friends have suggested I just stop. It’s been going on for so long. They’re right. I’m still holding back; there are still things left unsaid, but for now (and maybe forever, at least on this topic), this is enough. I am sorry, and I am enough.
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5 thoughts on “Tell me true

  1. If I were to read this blog, read past blogs by Steph (E. She clearly doesn’t like to be called Stephanie so back off) and then read these two comments, I see bullying and it’s not from this author. She admits curiosity and shortcomings and humility of the entire affair (as a hurt person in a bad way at one point) and you two jump all over her. As far as I can tell, one of you, at least, leads a fairly public social media life so is this how you would like to be treated? I didn’t even know your name SOPHIE until YOU posted. Blogs are public but also an outlet. No naming, no outing of anyone. E. If you’re uncomfortable with something you’ve done or who you are, don’t blame others for yor shortcomings. Hmmm…where have I heard that before? And if you truly were bothered by anything said here, you clearly know Steph and should have dealt with it perhaps at this post’s actual date, which is months ago, in a private way since you feel outed and understand that feelings aren’t always rational. Taking ownership takes guts and I appreciate that. Sidebar, as someone who has been actually stalked in real life by scary, dangerous people, calling this stalking is laughable and offensive to all stalking victims. Just walk away. You’re asking her why she cared then. Why do you care now? Move on. She has, clearly just in this post which I think the point of completely escaped both of you. The. End.

  2. Way to stay classy, Stephanie. Christ, you’re petty. It was nothing serious, and you’re still posting about it this long after? And outing someone like that?

    For the record, it never went beyond very casual dating with you not because of anyone else “stealing me” or anything (I only got back into the market well after I cut ties with you)…. it was because of our dynamic, or lack of things in common, and your insufferable (and unearned) self-involvement. Stop blaming other people for your own shortcomings. I stopped seeing you because of you.

    Jesus, you may think you’re this sassy, independent urban girl, but you have a lot to learn about keeping other people’s shit out off your soapbox because you have so little going on for yourself. Think about someone else besides your wacky quacky (or in this case, someone else’s whacky quacky life). Stop posting about other people’s shit that you have problems with, you bland intolerant bore.

    Stop stalking us.

    1. “Keeping other people’s shit out OF your soapbox”…? Doesn’t Sophie air her dirty laundry via blog and also at a public venue every now an then. Please. This blog is harmless venting.

  3. Hey Steph. This is kind of awful to find. After being stalked by another one of my now ex’s paramours, I wound up finally looking you up because the fact that you wrote about my work with scorn has never sat well with me. Turns out that my uncomfortable feelings were totally justified. It’s really unfortunate to hear that you have held such hate in your heart about me…

    As far as I was told about your relationship with my ex, you two were not exclusive, he made it clear that you were not headed towards a substantial relationship, and I was told it ended at least a week or so before he and I met. As far as I knew, it was all totally above board. You are entitled to your feelings, and perhaps I was misinformed, but regardless, that’s between you two and should not result in MONTHS of mean-spirited thoughts and verbalizations about a total stranger. I can only imagine how many times you called me a dumb, fat, ugly slut. Did it make you feel better?

    I am a human, and I am enough, too. Regardless, how about we get coffee and maybe you can quit judging me on your blog. This is some pretty woman-hating shit right here and I’d love to turn this into a teachable moment in your life.

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