So today was kind of a weird day. Technically yesterday, since it’s now almost 3am. It was my last day managing a wine shop, something I’ve been pretty quiet about since I’m not really sure where my career is heading and I’m definitely not sure how I feel about that. I’ve never been so without a plan, and it’s left me feeling very untethered.
I had a very frank conversation with JB about the state of our friendship, and it left me with more questions than answers. I’ve been trying to force myself to just be okay, but the price is too high. After mulling over my feels all day, I decided I had not taken enough time and made the (yet again) painful decision to ask for space. Fuck you, space. You’re an asshole.
As mentioned, I also went speed dating again, and it was generally a good time. I had a minor panic attack on the subway down, but that had more everything to do with the aforementioned issues than the idea of meeting a bunch of strangers. That’s the easy part. I had two cohorts this time, and overall it was a pretty successful evening. There was one person in particular I’m hoping also said yes, but I’ll save that for future blogs because I’m going to be cautiously optimistic that he did as well (and like an idiot, I told him about the blog).
One of my friends and I weren’t ready to end the night, so we ended up at one of our old haunts. It was like stepping back in time. From the music, to the drinks, to the random guy on the dance floor groping my ass and trying to seal the deal, nothing had changed in five years. Except one thing: me. Small talk and drinks brought to me and dancing without eye contact might once have been enough (especially as reassurance that yes, I am desirable), but this time they just highlighted the difference between what I was once willing to accept and what I now won’t go without. This revelation was also surprisingly painful, for reasons I’m still not sure I understand. It stopped me in my tracks. My friend went through the same thing herself not so long ago, and she called it growth. I don’t know if that’s the word I would use, but it will have to suffice for now. What I do know is I realized I’d rather be writing this blog alone than sleeping in the arms of a stranger, and growth or not, that’s something.
Steph Not Stephanie 