I’ve been having a lot of feels lately, which have resulted in a lot of conversations with my very patient and understanding friends.
I had a less than stellar date about a week ago. His first words to me (to be read in a Russian accent): ‘I think you are looking mostly like your picture.’ I should hope so, since it was taken a week prior. I changed my clothes? He had terrible breath, didn’t even offer to pay for my coffee (when I had set us up with car service and comp movie tickets for a review I was writing), and he talked during the whole movie. The worst part is I wasn’t even that disappointed. I’m so used to these dates not going well that I expect the worst. I haven’t been putting in much effort (other than having a profile and showing up on dates), and as much as I wanted to, I don’t know if I ever really believed I would find ‘the guy’ online. This is not good.
I tried to think of the actual connections I’ve made in the past six months, and with the exception of one guy (who did not feel the same), none of them have been dudes I’ve met online.
That’s not to say I haven’t had any feelings for anyone lately. Honestly (and we are talking brutal honesty here), I have a habit of falling for emotionally unavailable men. It’s a pattern for me, and it’s almost a safe way to have feelings without getting hurt. Or at least it was. Now, I’m not so sure.
I have/had very good armour. I turn into ‘Cool Steph,’ who doesn’t need a relationship, Cool Steph who doesn’t get her feelings hurt, Cool Steph who doesn’t get invested emotionally. Until now, when Cool Steph is failing me and the crazy emotional Steph who’s been hiding just under the surface won’t just shut the eff up.
The past week or so has been very intense inside my head. It doesn’t help that I have been staying in the deafening silence of the suburbs, giving me all the time in the world to over think, over analyze, and invent soap operas in my mind (I was so involved in one I missed my subway stop the other day).
I am clearly in no state to even attempt to explore a relationship (even if I half-assed it the way I have been), so I disabled all of my profiles. I need some time to regroup and figure out what it is that I want, and to work on healing the pieces of me that feel a bit broken.
My roommate, who sometimes has sage advice, said something so simple and so profound that it made it through my wine-and-emotion soaked haze Friday night: if you do something that hurts you, try to stop doing it. So I am going to try.