Steph Not Stephanie

I’ve been plodding along in my adventures in cooking and veganism, to mixed results. The food has turned out shockingly well, but the rest of it has been a bit of a shitshow challenge at times.

The first seemingly simple task that proved otherwise was sharpening my knives. I’ve had the same knife block for about three years, and my roommate has commented on the need to sharpen them for about two. Well, if I’m serious about this cooking thing (and I am), I figured I would need sharp implements for the stabbing of things. Kitchen Stuff Plus is always reminding me that they sharpen knives, so I took my entire set and went on my merry way. When I told the people behind the counter my intentions, they looked at me like I had two heads. Neither of them knew how, and ‘the dude who does won’t be in until 11am. Come back in an hour.’ Um, okay, it’s 10:45, but sure. I left my name and number just to be safe, and then had to prepare lunch in a kitchen stocked with only butter knives. Awesome. I hadn’t heard from them by 2pm, so I called them. They ‘just finished their lunch rush,’ and no one had time to do it yet, so call back in an hour. Sure. An hour later, I called and they still hadn’t sharpened anything. As an added bonus, they would only be able to do three of the set since ‘we’re not professionals and we can only sharpen straight blades.’ LOLWUT? I’m being punked, right? I eventually got my knives out of purgatory (a mere six hours later) with nine still-dull blades. Oh, and the only two I actually use regularly (which I just discovered are Santoku knives – that’s right, I know the names of knives now. NBD.) were in the non-sharpened pile. That doesn’t make me stabby at all.

My other issues have been much less public. I’ve been mystified as to why everything has fourteen goddamn names. Green onions = scallions = spring onions = salad onions = table onions = green shallots = go fuck yourself so hard. Do we really need to call them Garbanzo beans and chickpeas? Just today I learned that coriander and cilantro are the same thing. You have got to be fucking kidding me.

I also have a bone to pick re: recipes and timing. I made a pasta sauce today based on a recipe I found online. Please read both the caption and the prep/total times:

I am really bad at math, but even I know that if it takes you 25 goddamn minutes to prep, then no, you cannot have a ‘veggie-packed, homemade spaghetti dinner on your table in just 15 minutes.’ For the record, it took me 45 minutes start to finish, and chopping is one thing I actually do pretty well. It’s fine that it takes longer, just stop lying to me, cooking people!

Luckily the first ingredient in any of my recipes is a glass of wine, so at least I’ll be relaxed while I cook – and less likely to maim myself since my knives cut about as well as soup spoons.