Steph Not Stephanie

I’m not very good with moderation. If I like something, I want it all the time. Take music for example: I will listen to the same song, on repeat for hours, when I first ‘discover’ it. YouTube Repeat was made for people like me. I’ve listened to the Songza Indie Apartment Party playlist so often that I identified it at a bar two weeks ago – while slightly intoxicated. I binge-watch television shows (and in the case of Oz, I would watch the seasons by myself and then watch them again right after with my friends), and I’ve even started re-reading a book again immediately after I finished (in my defence, The Stand is a bit dense and I skimmed a lot the first go around). Food is a whole other thing; don’t even get me started on cupcakes (because you might have to dig me out of a pile of cupcake wrappers, in a sugar-induced coma).

So it would seem this behaviour translates to my dating life. When I’m not being yelled at in the middle of the street or catfished, it turns out I actually want to spend time with that person. A lot of time, all the time. That scares the shit out of me. Unless you’re new here, you know I’m not exactly the ‘let’s spend a lot of time together and hang out and cuddle‘ type. Except maybe I am? I’ve been doing things the other way for so long now, it’s almost paralyzing to contemplate anything else. There’s also this deep-seated fear that I will lose too much of myself, because I’ve done that in the past. I am trying to keep calm and carry on, but there are a lot of feels and thoughts at play here. Speaking of moderation, I think I’ll pour some wine on this and see what happens.