Steph Not Stephanie

Since I’m not out there in the shitshow Toronto dating scene, you’re going to have to deal with me navigating this brave new world. I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m most likely going to get lost (there isn’t a Google Maps for relating to other people, is there)? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I spend a lot of time up in my head. Daydreaming, playing out conversations, imagining what’s going on in other people’s heads (usually as it relates to me). This doesn’t always bode well for relationships because it translates to a lot of expectations and assumptions on my part.

Those of you who’ve known me for a long time know I love a good expectation versus reality disaster photo. This favourite never fails to make me laugh (from the very funny Cakewrecks):

What they asked for:

Um, no.

Maybe the reason I’m so drawn to these hilarious before and afters is they reflect my own struggles with expectations and reality (and that’s not even counting what my kitchen disasters look like in comparison to the fucking cookbook pictures). Because I spend so much time in my head I have very specific ideas of what things should look like, how things should play out. I realize it’s not very logical, but logic and feelings don’t always play well together (and feelings usually beat the shit out of logic). I then get my panties all in a bunch that x, y, or z did/did not happen, and I start to stew.

To add to this cluster, I don’t always share how I’m feeling (because people should read my goddamned mind, amiright? Truthfully, I tend to keep it inside because I want to be a happy, positive person, and not a bother); instead I imagine how the scenario can be fixed, and when things don’t go according to my internal script I get sassy. Factor in how much of our communication takes place electronically (and we all know how that can go downhill, fast), and you’ve got a real-life Cakewreck (Stephwreck?).

I had always thought that once I got out of the horrific dating scene, things would be easy, all sunshine and lollipops and unicorns shitting out rainbows. Why didn’t any of you assholes tell me that is not how life works? I was listening to the Savage Love podcast the other day, and the caller was talking about not wanting to get hurt. Dan laughed at her and said that hurt doesn’t end when you get into a relationship: people in relationships hurt each other all the time. ‘It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.’ Great. That makes the optimist inside me want to reach for a giant glass of wine. Even worse, I’m in the middle of a cleanse, so no wine or delicious food to drown all the feelings. I guess I’ll just have some spinach instead. Cheers.