Well look what we have here: another guest post from another awesome writer. While I have very distinct opinions on all manner of things (and I’m obviously not afraid to share them), there are some topics that are just beyond my reach. Marriage, childbirth, quantum mechanics … these are all strange and mysterious subjects that I just don’t have the experience to delve into. Luckily, I have friends who can tackle any of them — and if someone can make quantum mechanics relate to dating and relationships, I will happily buy them a beer. Long-time supporter and fellow journalism grad Alana graciously agreed to share her insights on being a not-so-perfect wife, and she did so quite perfectly.
My husband doesn’t like social media. He doesn’t have Twitter or Facebook or Instagram or anything more than a basic knowledge of how those things work. Alternatively, I run Facebook in the background of many of my waking hours. So when we became a real couple nearly a decade ago I changed my Facebook status from “single” to “it’s complicated.” It was complicated. How could I be serious about a guy who didn’t have Facebook? I meant it as a joke. If he didn’t have social media, I could say whatever I wanted about him and about us.
Three years ago on a low-key Friday afternoon, we tied the knot. This was naturally followed by a lot of questions from friends and family about my aforementioned relationship status. Shouldn’t I be changing it from it’s complicated to something else? (Like, married perhaps?)
My response is, “Why? Does marriage make my relationship less complicated?”
I never wanted to be a wife. I mean it was never a dream or a vision for my future. Fashion designer. Lounge singer. Art therapist. Never wife. I never envisioned my big day as a little girl. When I played Barbies with friends I usually made Ken cheat on Barbie so they didn’t end up together. I imagined myself living in Vancouver (like another guest blogger), raising a daughter on my own. Never did I dream of being a wife. But here I (happily) am. The drawback is, my lack of life preparation/imagination for this circumstance often leaves me struggling to fulfill my own vision of the wife role.
As an example, a few weeks ago I bought four macarons from the bakery across the street from our house; two for me, two for my husband. I wanted to surprise him with an after-work treat. Instead I ate three for lunch and had to place the forth far out of sight to save its life.
That is my experience of being a good wife in a nutshell.
Last week I bought myself a book online and added to the cart a book I know my husband had his eye on. He’ll be so surprised when it shows up! Then when checking out, I (knowingly) clicked on the profile that would charge his credit card. Is it the thought that counts?
I hate putting laundry away. I sort. I wash. I dry. And then I leave the clothes in a messy, warm pile on our bed, which our cat loves.
I make a mean smoothie. And then I forget to rinse the blender right away and the banana, almond milk mixture cakes on the walls of the Blendtec.
I don’t seem to have this role quite down yet.
When my husband proposed to me I went out the very next day and bought a ring for him (I then proposed with it in the same way as he did me). It was important to me that I wasn’t the only one saying yes. I guess the fact that he was asking me to marry him implied that he was willing to spend the rest of his life with me, but I wanted to make it clear that we should both be asking this of each other, that would both should have the opportunity to accept and refuse. Once in a while we still ask each other. That’s not a case of insecurity (though I have my fair share of that); it’s an acknowledgement that relationships evolve. Do you still want to marry me, we ask each other.
I know people can change. I no longer want to be a fashion designer or a lounge singer (okay maybe a little). I no longer want to be an art therapist. But I do (among other things) want to be a wife.
I am always working on it.
Steph Not Stephanie 