Steph Not Stephanie

Those of you who read this and don’t know me off the interwebz are in for a super surprise: I did a podcast, so if you’ve ever lost sleep at night wondering what I sound like (throaty pre-pubescent boy) or yearning to hear more details than you ever wanted, today is your day! Check the hilarious Looking for Love with Amish Patel, I’m the one with the awesome grandmother quotes (amongst other things). Editor’s notes: If we are related and you don’t want to hear me talk about sexytimes, please listen to this instead. If you choose to listen, please subscribe and review so the lovely Amish will have me back. 

Alright, now that the shameless plugs are out of the way, let’s get down to business (to defeat the Huns). My name is Steph, and I have a problem: I am fucking terrible at saying no. Awkwardly, horrifically terrible. This issue reaches far outside my dating life — from staying late at work to getting stuck in conversations with those damn street campaigners, my people-pleasing ways make it really hard for me to disappoint. However, you’re not here to read about my work-life balance, so I’ll get to the goods. While saying no can be uncomfortable for me, I also tend to find people who are just as bad at hearing it.

The Comedian wanted to get together again. I wasn’t feeling a huge connection, but I was sick the second time we went out, and I thought maybe I wasn’t giving him a fair shake. He kept asking me to “chill” despite my awful schedule and days of me going AWOL via text. I have been accused of writing people off before really getting to know them (although I’ve never caught feelings for someone I was previously lukewarm about … when I know, I know), so I figured another date couldn’t hurt. Then he asked me to go “chill” at his place in Etobicoke. Nope.

Here’s the thing: I’m not a prude (as evidenced by the aforementioned podcast). However, if I’m still deciding if I like someone, I am not going to fucking “chill” at their house (or invite them to mine). So to all those dudes I brought home on the first date, congrats I was really drunk I really liked you. Since we met on Tinder, I thought maybe he was using chill as a euphemism for hook up, which would mean I could just say that’s not what I’m looking for instead of the dreaded ‘I’m not into you’ conversation:

First of all dude, we split everything! Secondly, there are better ways to make that point. Regardless, the fact that I was disappointed when I didn’t have an easy out did not mean I got a pass. I told him that I had to be honest and I wasn’t feeling a huge romantic connection, and he responded with, “Oh boo.” I think I just blinked at my phone a few times, and then he told me he thinks I’m pretty cool and asked if I would rather go out and do something. Dude, noooooo. Just no. I already hate having this conversation, do we have to drag it on? I reiterated the lack of spark (god, there is no non-asshole way to say these things), and he asked if we could still be bros. Oy.

I know there’s always the annoyingly popular slow fade or ghost option, but quite frankly I think that’s a dick move. I’ve been on the receiving end, and it sucks. It’s one thing if you’ve never met the person, it’s another thing entirely if you’ve gone out a time or two. I just need to get better at saying no so I don’t end up on dates I know are going to end badly. Then again, where would we be without those?