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Connect the dots

A friend and I recently turned online dating into a drinking game. Armed with too much wine and inspired by this and my original Tinder posts, the rules were simple:

Take a drink if you see pictures with/of:

  • Doped up tigers
  • Guns
  • Terrible tattoos
  • Babies
  • Where’s Waldo (groups with no indication of who’s actually on the site)
  • No picture or pictures of inanimate objects/scenery

Take a drink every time a profile has:

  • ‘Ask me’ instead of answering the question
  • ‘I’m 6’2″, because I guess height is important’
  • Any iteration of being DTF
  • ‘I’m a simple guy/no drama’
  • Instagram or BBM contact info

We also had to message every person we matched with, and had ‘speed rounds’ during which we only swiped right. This resulted in a lot of drinks and a lot of messages. I resorted to sending lyrics to people:

He's not wrong.
He’s not wrong.

A good time was had by all, except maybe my liver. My friend dubbed the following day Unmatch Thursday. I surveyed my Tinder graveyard and had a sobering thought: what the actual fuck are we all doing? I had over 250 matches (over time, not from one drunken night), a handful of whom I have actually conversed with. What is the point of all these connections if we’re not actually, you know, connecting? Some I had spoken to, some I hadn’t. I had never unmatched anyone who wasn’t offensive/a shithead/an ex. Another friend takes a completely different approach: her graveyard is kept to a minimum, and she unmatches with gusto if it’s not going anywhere. She’s a goddamned hero.

I spent the next couple of days doing a cull (so to speak) of my own. I said hi to everyone I was still interested in who: was within a reasonable distance (sorry, Chatham Tinder peeps), I had matched with relatively recently (there were matches from December), or had liked some of the stupid shit I posted. Then I gave it 24 hours.

Anyone I started a conversation with that went nowhere (or went unanswered), I unmatched. I also started saying hi to any new matches. I have less than 20 matches in my graveyard now, and that includes conversations with a coworker, former classmate, and someone I’m currently seeing. If the conversation dies off, I unmatch. It’s like meeting someone at the bar: you talk, and if you don’t hit it off, you go your separate ways. I’d rather a few people with potential then a massive, silent group. Besides, if I need validation from a bunch of strangers, there’s always Twitter and Instagram.

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