Steph Not Stephanie

I was discussing the challenges guys face online (tons of messages sent for very few responses) versus what girls deal with (wading through the plethora of assholes) with a friend tonight. ‘At least you have choices,’ he said, ‘they’re just all terrible.’ I don’t know if that’s better.

After my first post on the magic of Tinder, guys and girls alike have been coming out of the woodwork to tell me their favourite least-favourite things, and I’ve come up with a few more myself. Without further ado, I bring you more Terrible Tinder Tactics:

Cheating the GPS

If you don’t live in the city, you shouldn’t be able to Tinder in the city (note: this does not apply to people visiting from out of town who just want some strange, they get left-swiped anyway). I end up with all these matches 50km (or more!) away, despite my own distance limits set to keep everything TTC-able. I find myself talking to people in Oakville, Whitby, Kitchener, all sorts of places that are clearly not within a reasonable distance from the downtown core. A lovely gentleman *cough* who snuck into my feed on a visit to the city asked if I would be willing to travel to Hamilton for ‘some fun.’ First of all, no thanks to a rando hookup, and secondly, worst walk of shame ever. Pro tip bro: girls don’t need to travel outside of their area code if that’s all they’re looking for.

Class Acts

On the subject of dudes just looking to score: I get it, this is Tinder. A lot of people are looking for a hookup. However, even if that’s all you’re into, you have to get some better game. I was recently greeted with, ‘You look like you could use a mouthful.’ Jesus rollerskating Christ, that’s his best line, his A material. I weep for the future. I told him he probably isn’t, and swiftly blocked him, but unfortunately he’s not a rarity in the glorious world of Tinder. Dudes, we know you’re human and you have urges, but your chances of actually meeting a woman who’s willing to touch mouths with you are not good when that bullshit is your opener.

Bunny Boilers

On the other side of the spectrum, you can get inundated by messages from possibly nice guys who just have no sense of boundaries. ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ is fine. Fifteen messages before I’ve had a chance to reply to your first one sends up more than a couple of red flags. Calm your tits, dude, and let us respond in our own time.

Lions, and Tigers, and Mud, Oh My!

I didn’t notice this until it was pointed out to me, but apparently there’s a rule that if you’ve ever done a Tough Mudder or a Spartan Race, you have to include it in your online dating profile. This one apparently happens on both sides of the gender divide, and now that I’ve been made aware, it cannot be unseen. My favourites are the people who didn’t buy the actual picture from the race, so there’s a big PROOF stamped across their faces. If you don’t have a Tough Mudder picture, an allowable substitute is a picture with a tiger. I encountered the highest number of dudes-chilling-with-tiger pictures while Tindering in King West, so read into that what you will.

Family Values

If your first picture includes a baby, I’m going to assume it’s yours. In fact, that goes for any pictures of babies without an explicit declaration that it’s not (which some people wisely include). If your first picture is of you and a lovely lady, I’m going to assume she’s your girlfriend/wife (especially if you have your arm around her/are at a wedding/she’s hugging you from behind). Maybe you’re single and childless, or maybe you are looking for a new mommy for junior or a piece on the side. Next.

The Graveyard

Tinder alerts both parties when there’s a mutual match. I know you right-swiped me, you know I right-swiped you. Even so, chances are we’re never going to talk. The majority of matches end up in what I call the Graveyard: sitting in a growing heap of matches with no actual conversation. I’m no expert, but I don’t think that’s how dating works.

KIA

Sometimes, despite all the odds, someone gets the cojones to say hello, and conversation flows. A good time is had by all, there’s some witty repartee, the future looks bright. And then you never hear from them again. Sometimes they disappear completely from the face of the earth/the app, other times they’re still there, they just never responded to your last clever quip.

The Good Guys

Not everyone on Tinder is a disaster, and some people’s profiles are downright pleasant. Pictures of cats (or mention of cats) – or for the especially clever, photoshopping a picture to replace your phone with a cat – are always a good idea. Witty bios are great: if you can make someone laugh in less than 500 characters, they’re probably going to want to see what else you have to say. If you’re especially funny, you can even break some of the other rules (like not having a picture of your face right away). Unfortunately (for me), this guy popped up a friend’s feed, because I would love to meet him:

Chris, if you’re reading this, right-swipe me!