Dating · Guest Post

Too much too soon

‘But what about the blog?’ 

If I had a dollar for every time someone has asked me that over the past couple of weeks, as it becomes obvious that Bogart isn’t going anywhere – despite my bananapants behaviour and drunken shenanigans – I would have a lot of dollars. Well, I would probably have a lot of wine because I would exchange those dollars for sweet, sweet alcohol. 

But the blog is still a thing. I may be relying on more guest posts than usual, at least until we’re out of the gross/adorable phase (seriously, if I weren’t me, I would be eye rolling hard at my mushy ass and probably texting a friend about how annoying I am). If you’d like to write for thousands hundreds tens of readers (Hi Mom), drop me a line at mail@stephnotstephanie.com.

Shameless solicitation out of the way, I’ve got a post from a bright, witty young lady who recently moved to Toronto and ventured into the Toronto dating scene by way of Tinder. I would wish her luck, but I know how her particular tale ends. 

Hello readers of StephNotStephanie.  I shall attempt to amuse you with my dating woes, but be prepared, as I may try, I will fail at being as witty, funny, or clever.  But I have a story to share.  A story of my first random date since moving to Toronto six months ago.  I came here for work, already jaded from attempting to navigate the Vancouver dating scene for the past few years.  When I got to Toronto it was love at first sight … with the city.  Thus, I have not needed to get sucked into the time-filling vortex of online dating.  Toronto gives me what I need all the time: Makes me smile, laugh, keeps me entertained, I never feel lonely … it’s almost the perfect relationship.  So what made me stray from my new love and go on a Tinder date?  Insomnia + Tinder “Super Like”.  I have closed every online dating account I ever had, but I still slip into the Tinder bubble every now and then when I’m bored and can’t sleep.  I swipe.  Mostly left.  Almost always left.  But then a blue star popped up by someone’s name.  Normally it would have been an insta-left … but the star caught my eye. FYI the “Super Like” function works.  Maybe I shouldn’t share that with the world.  In any case, I took a closer look at the profile and again was about to swipe left when I noted that we had 20 shared friends on Facebook.  I clicked to see what degree of separation we truly had to find that this individual and I shared contacts with friends from all parts of my life, locations, and past.  Very confusing indeed, so I needed to swipe right.  And I did.  The circles crossed the screen and me and Mr.”Too Soon” were matched.  SPOILER ALERT: We have nobody in common and the 20 friend connection must have been a Tinder glitch, or maybe that’s a built-in feature of the Super Like.  Clever Tinder. Very. Very. Clever.
So almost immediately there was a Tinder message from Mr.”Too Soon”.  It was something funny, or charming, or just not terribly offensive … my standards have gotten quite low from online dating as to what an “acceptable” message is, and thus I engaged him in conversation.  Witty banter turned to let’s meet up, turned to me having a moment of weakness, or a #YOLO moment, and me agreeing to meet.  He suggested we meet at a pub nearby that had been recommended to me many times but that I had never been too.  This is somewhat important to the story.  SIDE NOTE: If you have a good conversation on Tinder I don’t think suggesting a meet up right then is “too soon.”  Who wants to text on Tinder?  You’ll learn more face to face IMHO.

Come date night, I had been at a conference all day, and had a busy day the next day, so an evening drink actually sounded perfect and I was jazzed just to get out.  We met up at the aforementioned pub and ordered some beer.  As per our Tinder conversation, we had a good amount in common and had relatively good and interesting conversation, so I took the plunge and prolonged the date by ordering appies. Conversation went off a little as appies led to talking about dating history … whoa … way #toosoon, and then he regaled me with tales of meeting some girl on Tinder who immediately wanted to know the size of his #youknowwhat and apparently started the in-person conversation with, “I haven’t had sex in 6 months,” #TOOSOON.  This was the only awkwardness though and although there was no instant chemistry on my end,  I also enjoyed myself and likely would have agreed to a second date to learn more at this point.  However Mr.”Too Soon” didn’t want the date to end, and started talking about nighttime walks along the water, or at the hidden park at city hall #barf #toosoon.  Unfortunately I’m not great at saying no … not a good trait to have in online dating circles FYI, and I finally agreed to join him, but instead of one of those cliché romantic avenues, to walk a few blocks to a place that makes cookies fresh for you.  Like an ice cream place, you choose your cookie dough and you choose your cookie fillings and they bake it for you, which sounded awesome, so I figured, ‘Ok, maybe this will satisfy him.’  On the walk there, he started talking about how to wanted to make this the most mind-blowing, amazing date, at which point I honestly told him it had been great, and drinks as we had agreed was all I was looking for, so no pressure to do anything else, I was tired and probably wanted to be in bed not too late .  FYI – that’s a clear signal #IWANTTHISTOEND.  In any case, the cookies were good but conversation was a bit more of a struggle. After the cookie and tea I was ready to say goodnight but he insisted on walking me home.  I also felt weird about somebody knowing where I lived, but no matter … that whole trouble saying NO thing meant I agreed.  On the way home he grabbed my hand and pulled me into another of his favourite places, some Argentinian place I think, for ice cream and some kind of smoothie … I mean really, enough was enough at this point.  I wasn’t even hungry or thirsty anymore and kinda sat there while he ate ice cream and had some weird fruity drink.
He brought up taking a walk by the water at least three more times #barfX3 #takeahint.

I finally insisted I go home and he walked me to the closest major intersection, at which point he felt the need to tell me more inappropriate dating stories, including one where he came in contact with his date’s fecal matter on a first date.  This isn’t even #toosoon, this is a #donotevertellthisstory.  With a hug I escaped.  Yes the date went from, ‘hmmm second date nice guy,’ to me feeling like I escaped.

We exchanged a few texts, and he invited me to the movies but I had an easy out with a week of conferencing and a friend legitimately staying with me over Halloween weekend.  I did text back to say that the event from the conference I was attending was at the pub we met it, I thought it was funny because I’d been trying to go forever and now was going to go twice in one week.

He responded with how happy he was “it made me think of him……. and that I cross his mind all the time during the day.”  Ok. Unless you had some fairy tale date that ended with insane passion and … I don’t even know?? This is DEFINITELY exactly how I texted him back: “Too soon.”

And that was the end of that love story.  Goodbye Tinder.  Until I get really really bored again.
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