Do you need a gift receipt?

One of the best parts about staying in Toronto for Christmas is not worrying about Christmas shopping until after the holiday hordes are gone. You would think I’d be able to just kick back, drink some hot chocolate at home, and laugh at all the idiots who haven’t finished started their shopping yet, right? No such luck. Apparently I’m a masochist, because I decided to supplement my business income with a seasonal job at one of the busiest gd malls in the world (related: student loans are assholes and I want them out of my life).

For the most part, people are in good spirits and quite pleasant. However, there are always a few bad Christmas oranges who feel the need to spoil the bunch. So, without further adieu, here are Steph’s Rules for Not Being an Asshole: Merry Fucking Christmas Edition.

1. Be realistic. Oh, you waited until December 21st to start shopping and you want a really obscure, discontinued B-side by an artist no one has ever heard of for your hipster douchebag boyfriend? Not gonna happen. Unless you started your shopping in August (Hi Mom!), plan your gifts around what you can actually find in a store.

2. Be nice. I have worked in retail for over a decade, and nothing will get you better service than being nice. It doesn’t take much to be kind to people, it makes the whole experience more pleasant for everyone, and we are more likely to go out of our way to help you find what you need. If I had been an asshole at Apple, I doubt they would have given me a free iPhone when I dropped mine off my balcony (yeah, that happened). We get paid to be nice to you; be nice to us and we’ll go above and beyond.

3. Hang up your fucking phone while you pay for your shit. Seriously.

4. Know your audience. Yes it sucks that we don’t have large bags/envelopes for your gift card/the box set you want is expensive as hell. However, yelling at me won’t fix that. Do you think if I had control over any of those things, I would be working at the crack of dawn on Boxing Day?

5. Be prepared. It’s a mall. It is indoors, and it is heated. You are going to be jostling with thousands of other overheating people racing towards the festive finish line. Shell out $2 for a locker and leave your coat there. Buy the heavy shit last. I am in a t-shirt and jeans and I’m hot. Of course you’re sweating in your Sorels and Canada Goose parka. And while you’re at it, basic hygiene goes a long, long way. I shouldn’t be able to smell you after you’ve walked away, whether it’s perfume or something less pleasant.

6. Do not leave children unattended. Kids don’t understand retail. Giving a 13-year-old a fistful of cash and telling them to buy you something nice is the stupidest thing you can do. It is a nightmare for us and they are going to buy you a $5 gift and spend the rest on One Direction posters or some such shit. Their frontal lobe is not developed enough to handle this. For the love of god, adult supervision is required.

7. Stay home on Boxing Day. Please. I am begging you. You have enough stupid shit, you don’t need more.


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