So it turns out I didn’t need an adult after all, I just needed to listen to my intuition and a wise friend.
After five dates, I was still freaking out about the idea of dating/committing to this guy. I kept telling myself it was because I didn’t really know him yet, and that eventually the feelings would come. Our texting was a bit stilted, and there was a serious lack of butterflies. However, my messed up dating history made me hesitant to dismiss a real ‘good guy’ because I wasn’t head over heels. I should’ve paid more attention when Songza played this and couldn’t imagine ever having that kind of emotion with him. I rationalized by telling myself that this is what grown up relationships are like.
Realizing this needed to end meant I had to actually have the balls to let him know. Regardless of whether you’re saying or hearing ‘I don’t like you in that way,’ it sucks. I went to dinner, relatively certain I wanted to tell him I wasn’t feeling it, but as the meal progressed I both a) knew I had to do it and b) dreaded it even more. He was clearly not on the same page as me. I turned into this awkward, gross person I wouldn’t want to share a meal with — talking about anything to fill space, interrupting to change the subject when he started talking about getting together again, avoiding eye contact and pretty much withdrawing physically. He took it well when I said I didn’t think we had a ‘crazy connection’ (because I am awkward, that’s seriously the best I could do under stress), but I still felt like a bag of shit. Afterwards, however, with the aid of a couple glasses of wine, I knew I made the right decision. Right just doesn’t always feel good in the moment.