I’ve been discussing the idea of connection and chemistry a lot with friends lately. While describing a guy who was in the periphery, a friend asked what I thought about him. I told her he was nice, and she told me she wasn’t buying it. I replied that I didn’t really know him (and this should’ve made her happy, she is a fan of the get-to-know-you dating plan), but she countered: When you like someone, you really like them. ‘I’m getting to know him,’ I protested, but she was right. Things fizzled out, and I was neither surprised nor upset.
I’m one of those people that just knows right away. I’ve tried dating someone I didn’t have instant chemistry with, and it didn’t end well. When I like someone, I go all-in (internally, at least at first): I get butterflies, I talk about them (too much), I get my hopes up. I’ve never been able to go from lukewarm to squee if it wasn’t there in the beginning. Even when it’s something that has taken a long time to come to fruition, there was always an initial spark that my brain kept returning to.
Which brings me to the idea of only one person feeling a connection. We’ve all been in situations where we liked someone but they didn’t feel the same. That being said, I would never classify that as ‘a connection.’ I firmly believe you need two people for that, but I’ve been out with dudes who think otherwise.
Take HipsterLite: we met on the magical beast that is Tinder, and he wanted to grab beer and chill in the park. He also said he would bring his guitar, something that seemed odd but I thought could make for a good blog (singing/playing the guitar is hot, singing/playing the guitar at someone is not). Circumstances changed, and I ended up having to cancel, at which point he got a bit … pouty. We rescheduled for beer on a patio sans guitar, and it was a very interesting evening. He explained he’s been less than enamoured with the Toronto dating scene lately, a sentiment I shared. I had actually deleted my Tinder profile a few days prior. He then told me he was really bummed when I cancelled because he could tell from my profile I was the kind of girl he could have a relationship with, and then he started getting all touchy-feely. At some point, I decided being nice was the path of least resistance, so I let him hold my hand, and didn’t resist when he kissed me. I can’t quite explain why I went along with the kissing when I wasn’t into him, it just seemed polite? It got a bit weird when he kept talking about how there was a strong connection and he felt there was ‘comfortability’ between us, when I was more worried that the bar’s Mill St. Organic was a bit flat and that he was chain-smoking as if there were a million dollar prize at the bottom of the pack.
He balls-out asked to come home with me, and when I said I’m trying this new thing where I don’t bring guys home on a first date, he insisted it was just to cuddle and talk, because of our connection. Little did he know that was not a better option. He kept trying, even to the point of attempting to walk me all the way home, informing me multiple times he was coming over. I informed him otherwise, and when he asked if he could see me again, I said sure. I don’t know if it was because the last time I said no in person, the dude flipped the fuck out on me, or if I just have been that socialized to be a ‘nice girl.’ I held strong to my mandate of going home alone, and I ‘fessed up to my lack of interest in the morning after he texted me again how much he liked me. He then told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship and said it was too bad we didn’t have sex. Either he was lying about the connection to get laid, or he was using false bravado to cover up for all the feelings he had confessed to. Either way, so much for being polite.