Steph Not Stephanie

I’ve written this post in my head a million times over the past few weeks. I may lose some of my optimist points for that, but I haven’t exactly been feeling like myself lately.

Over the past couple of months, Edwin and I have both been trying to figure out what works for each of us in this dating scenario. The problem is that while words were being said, actions were saying a completely different thing. Having scary actual feelings for this one led me to hope against hope (and logic) that the actions were to be believed.

So I gave myself wholeheartedly to this, which was really freeing at first. I let myself be vulnerable for the first time in a long time, and perhaps more importantly, I let myself be myself. Eventually though, things started to get uncomfortable. I wanted more, and he couldn’t give more. I would try to be perfect/do the perfect thing, and therein lies the rub: it was never about me not being/doing enough; the solution was never within me.

I clung to this idea I had in my head, because here’s someone who checks so many of the boxes after so many douche canoes, but I was full of anxiety all the time because I was trying to force it to be something it wasn’t (and couldn’t be). That’s not fun for him, and it certainly isn’t fun for me.

However, just because something isn’t exactly what you want it to be in your mind, does that mean you cut it out of your life completely? I would’ve said yes a year ago, but now I think not. Is he someone I want to spend time with, fully aware of (and accepting and embracing) the limitations? Judging by the fact that immediately after a recent convo about all this stuff, my anxiety plummeted, the pressure I had been putting on myself disappeared, and my appetite came back, I would say yes.

So this means after this dating ‘adventure,’ I’ll be working up to jumping dipping my toes back into the Toronto dating pool (eventually … I need some time to gauge the water first). Holy hell, that is equal parts terrifying and refreshing. Things are going to be a little different this time, because I’m a little different this time (and not just physically). I’m going to continue to do the only things I can do at this point: be vulnerable and be myself.