I know y’all are legitimately happy for me when I find a nice guy, but let’s be honest: you come here for the dating trainwrecks. Although I love entertaining the masses (or the 10 friends and my mom who actually read this), I deleted the last of my online dating profiles last week. As much fun as the ‘nope, nope, maybe, nope’ Tinder game is, my heart and mind just weren’t in the ‘dating around’ scene as much as I thought I wanted to be. It seems kind of silly to be dating other people when there is one person I’d rather focus my attention on.
That being said, I have a cache of dating stories (and pictures!) to keep you entertained, as well as lots of friends dealing with the shenanigans of Toronto dating. If I can’t convince them to write guest blogs, I’ll just tell their damn stories for them.
This guy sent me a message on OKCupid a couple of weeks ago, and I
want need to talk about his profile:
Okay, let’s start with his username. At least he had the restraint to keep ‘fuck’ out of it, but that seems to be where the restraint ends. I enjoy that he expects a woman to fuck the headless horseman, because this is his only picture. I’m also pretty sure he just described what 90% of men (online?) want: a woman to drink with and bang. Be still my heart, you charmer. I am going to ignore the 78% match (seriously) and move right along.
Here’s where it gets either horrifically good or awesomely bad, depending on how you look at the world. It’s nice that he’s so hopeful, but here’s a newsflash: GIRLS DO NOT WANT TO BE ‘OUT-FUCKED.’ That is not a thing. If it is a thing, it is the worst thing ever. I cannot even begin to explain how awful that sounds. Also, if you out-drink a girl and then attempt said out-fucking, you’re going to end up getting out-fucked yourself by a guy named Bubba from the cozy confines of a jail cell. That sex sounds anything but casual, my friend, and you might be a sociopath.