On the road

I dreamt I was driving the wrong way down a one-way street. In fact, it was a highway, but the cars in every damn lane were going in the direction I wasn’t. Real subtle, thanks brain.

I’ve been feeling a bit odd lately. Maybe that’s not the right word. I’ve been feeling a lot of feelings lately. The anxiety has crept back in a bit, but there’s a lot changing in my life right now, so it makes perfect sense. I’ve been doing that thing where I avoid mental silence to avoid dealing with emotions, but it’s hard to keep up long term. I realized I had a problem when just the thought of replying to any of the guys who have been messaging me seemed like a Herculean task.

I was discussing this with a friend over dinner. At first, the onslaught of interest was fun. It wasn’t like this before, and I revelled in my new status as an ‘attractive girl,’ (I’m tired of that after the gazillionth ‘I like the body’ opening line said by an actual human being to me last night). There was also a bit of Beyoncé ‘on to the next’ attitude mixed in with this; a combination of validating myself as desirable and proving to the ones I’m not with anymore that they missed out. Jesusfuck, that is a terribly uncomfortable way to live. I’m not sure it was a conscious decision at first, but now that I’ve seen it, that shit has got to go.

Part of it is just accepting that it’s okay not to be okay sometimes. The other part is getting back to basics, spending time with me, and not putting so much goddamn pressure on myself. I don’t need to be in a relationship; I did just fine for years without. Yes, I’ve unlocked all these feelings and am not a robot anymore, but I shouldn’t be stressed out about ‘finding a man’ (ugh, I made a barfface just writing that sentence). Take the Tindude for example: he has joined my friends and I on the stoop a bunch of times, and when we talk it’s lovely, but there’s also not a lot of initiative on his part. At first I did the ‘why don’t you like me’ spiral in my head, but I’ve been able to step back and really look at the situation. We’ve met a handful of times, and not every guy I go out with is going to be my next big thing, and that’s okay. He’s nice, and if it turns out he is interested, we’ll see where it goes. If not, the stoop has just added another member to its motley crew.

So I’m going to try to just calm my tits and enjoy the summer. I’m getting back to cooking (a week in the suburbs with a giant kitchen was a good start), I’m spending lots of time with my amazing friends, I’m amping up my running, and I’m just going to let things happen and feel them when they do.

Don’t worry, I’m not giving up on the Toronto dating scene, so there will be lots to entertain you with. I’m just not going in with crazy expectations. I went on two dates this week; both were fine but nothing to write home about, with one exception. The second guy told me he liked me because I’m ‘not one of those 5’10” girls with long blonde hair and perfect makeup.’ While I think he was going for ‘down to earth,’ his stumbling version of a compliment reminded me that dudes don’t know what they’re doing any more than I do. God help us all.


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